Day 262

I'm really horrible about this. Really horrible. It's not that I don't care, or that it's not on my mind, it's just that since I do NOTHING, I feel like I have nothing to write about. Which is silly. Plenty of people write about nothing. I guess I'm just not one of those people.

Ken and I went through some serious trouble back in December. Like serious trouble. The kind that ends up with Kae and Ken not being Kae and Ken. Divorce was practically a given. And then somehow, somehow, we came back from that. I still am not sure just exactly how, but I am so glad. I can not see my future without Ken. Even with him gone, when it should be easy to picture life going on the way it does now... I don't. Past June, it's all about me and Ken again.

I have no idea what will happen to us. All our plans are back up in the air. All I know is that as long as they still include him, I'll be fine.

I've been helping my sister plan her wedding. It's kind of odd, since I never did any of this stuff for my own. Ken and I got married so quick, with no guest list, no chapel, no priest... But I loved our wedding. It had most of the people that I cared about there. It had one of my dearest friends officiating - who needs a priest since neither of us is that religious? It had the beautiful day, with the right temperature, and all the elements at hand. And it had my love, being joined to me for life. That's all I needed.

I miss talking to Ken every day, still. But I still count myself lucky that I have the contact I have. I mean, Korea is not such a bad place for him to be. At least I can email him and know he'll get it just about every day. I can catch him on AIM and talk to him if it's the right time of day. And I know that he's pretty safe there.

I just wish it was another hundred or so days from now, so he could be coming home.

Day 139

It's been almost two months since I've posted here. More neglect. In my defense, I've been trying to keep myself busy. I worked part time at the Maryland Renaissance Festival, selling roses. I made a whole mess of new friends, who I've been spending lots of time hanging out with. I've made up with two of my exes. I've even been offered something for Faire next year, selling cds for one of my favorite bands. It was a good season.

But I still my Ken. Miss him like there is a part of my body missing. The bed that he's never slept in feels emptier without him there. I miss being able to just pick up the phone and talk to him, or text message him. I miss falling asleep next to him. I miss all the shit a newly married couple is supposed to be able to do with one another, but we can't, because we don't live anywhere near each other.

And things are up in the air again as far as future plans and when we might see each other again. He's talking about staying in SK when he gets out of the Army in August, and so that just adds so many new things to think about, like moving all my shit there, and all of his that's left, and getting work visas, and just how the hell am I gonna live in that country? So much to think about and no clear answers about what I even want.

Day 84

I've been pretty lax about posting here. Both of us have been. I don't have much of an excuse, other than being completley unmotivated. ryoske_kt and I have both been learning a whole lot about how depression can effect a person. I have nothing but time these days, but I have no desire to do much of anything. My writing is probably the most effected. I'm not only not updating here, but I'm not even updating my own personal journal. I just can't seem to find anything to say.

Our future seems in flux again. Apparently now ryoske_kt has changed his mind again about staying in and wants to go to school. His grandmother has given him an offer we really can't refuse - use of her home in Reno while he's at UNR. We wouldn't have to pay rent, just utilities. So now it looks like instead of staying here in MD, we'll be moving out west. A huge change. One I wanted about six months ago, too, but I was willing to stay here, since he likes this area so much.

There is just so much that is changing in my life right now, and I am just trying to get used to it.

(no subject)

I just got back from the field today... honestly, I was fumed for a good portion of it...

Let's start off with this morning, around 2400 hours. My phone is almost dead, so I'm barely able to squeak in a conversation with my darling dv8dragonfly. It died mid conversation, so essentially hung up on her.

By the time I manage to get a hold of a watch, cause I'm on guard and everyone else is asleep, I manage to get the phone back on for just enough time to tell her that I love her... no sooner do I hang up, that the phone dies. At least I got to say good night to her.

Four hours of sleep later... yay, morning. I pack all my stuff cause we're heading back to base after today's qualifications. We load up and head out. It took me about 18 more rounds than normal to do so, cause my first seargent wouldn't shut his fucking mouth while I was trying to concentrate. It took all my inner strength not to wring my hands around his throat and yell "the next time a fucking Non EXPERT infantry badge holder tries to tell me how to shoot my weapon... I'll fucking show them how I use it... on THEM!!!"

I absolutely HATE being on a p.o.g. (Persons Other than Grunts). It doesn't help that he's a p.o.g. as well. Don't get me wrong, most of my friends here are non-infantry, but they don't tell me how to shoot my fucking weapon, cause the KNOW that I know how to. Hell, even the fucking INFANTRY soldiers on post don't bother telling me, cause even THEY know I know what the fuck I'm doing. I wear an EIB (expert infantry badge) for a reason, and not because I SUCK at my job!!!

Anyhow, I'm zeroed and awaiting time to qualify. Alright, finally my turn, what does the range safety tell me as soon as I get to my firing point?

"The 200 meter target doesn't go down. The last person kept hitting it, but it won't score the hit for you."

Greeeeaaaat, so now I know I can't possibly score expert cause the 200m target comes up more than four times. I score 27/40, cause the fucking 150 wouldn't go down either.

Some people tried to tell me it was my fault, but when one consistantly hits the 300m target (which some people refuse to shoot, it's that hard to hit,) it's not HIS FUCKING FAULT THE RANGE IS BROKEN!!!

So now I'm done firing, and pissed. Also, they won't let me re-qual, cause all the other fucking p.o.g.s can't shoot for shit, so they don't have the ammo for it. God I miss being in the Old Guard sometimes.

Well, we get packed back onto the trucks to head to base... only to get stuck in traffic for four fucking hours!!! For those of you who complain about traffic in the states... try driving in Korea during rush hour. If not, I'll just laugh in your face when you complain.

We get back and I get a beloved shower... I love shower. I go to the bowling alley and bowl as crapily as I shot today. Luckily my VERY drunken buddies were there to make it at least amusing.

After bowling me and one of the medics in the "posse" decide to go watch THE OMEN at the theater... pretty cool flick.

That brings you all up to speed on what I've been doing... sorta. I'll back brief the earlier parts of the week at a later time.

God I miss my wife... I could sure use some cuddlin'.

X-Posted to my journal.

(no subject)

Today is a sad day for me... I just ran out of minutes on my phone last night, and now I have to go to the field for about 4-5 days. Honestly, without talking to my wife every night, it's going to be rough.

I'll just have to try to keep myself entertained during off time, though I really wish that I could be using that time for speaking with her. It's hard enough for me to sleep without her by my side... even harder when I can't even hear her voice before I drift off to sleep.

I can only pray that anyone who is in love as deeply with their spouse as I am with mine, that they will never have to go through this.

I told my father about a week ago that I was re-enlisting for both mine and her sake. He was displeased... his exact words were, "son, you joined the Army to go to college, not to get married."

Father, you were right, but sometimes, things don't go as planned. I never imagined when I was signing those papers, that it would lead to my eventually meeting the woman of my dreams, then getting to marry her.

I simply hope that these next few days go by fairly quickly, that I may speak to my wife again.

dv8dragonfly, I love you, and I always will... past forever.


Day 49

The plan now seems to be that I will be moving to Korea. It's a big huge step. I'm excited and scared. It's a huge opportunity for me, to live in another country. And of course I want to see my husband. But I'm also scared. It's a different country, one where I don't speak the language and I don't know anyone BUT my husband. I know that he went there in the same situation, but he had work. And he's good at making friends. I'll have nothing there but him. I hate being that dependent on just one person. I mean, I know that's what we are supposed to be there for, for each other, but it's still something I am not used to. I am so used to being independent again.

I didn't hear from him this morning, when I normally hear from him everyday. That kind of threw me off for the whole day. Plus I've been doing things a little different - cleaning the house, spending more time downstairs. It's also been so quiet with the house to myself. Any little change of my day is such a big thing, since every day lately has been basically the same.

My parents come home tomorrow, and I'll be happy to have them here. It will be nice the have the noise of other people in the house again.

Why I'm glad Korea is NOT D.C.

Because I am pretty much ALWAYS thinking of my beloved dv8dragonfly, I found out some info that actually made me quite happy.

You see, since I'm working on bringing her up here, it would mean that I would have to live off post. Quite possibly my biggest concern was, "geez, how much does that cost?!?"

Not much, I just found out today that a three bedroom apartment costs approximately $430 a month... KICK ASS!!!

So now, monetarily at least, my only concern is that damned plane ticket... I just have to find the time somehow to get to the travel office here on base. It would be oh so nice to only have to pay roughly $630 to fly her up here. Not that I wouldn't pay the expensive ass plane ticket to get her here... just I would rather not like too.

That's all I've got for right now.


Day 47

I've gotten a lot of calls from ryoske_kt in the last couple days. And that's been really nice. It's great to wake up to his voice, talk to him at lunch, hear his voice at night. Tonight's conversation was about him finally taking steps to bring me to Korea. Originally we had planned on me staying here. That's changed about 20 times before and since he's left, but he's finally taking some steps towards it being a reality. Sometime in the next week or so I have to get my name changed with the Social Security Administration and then apply for my passport. On his end, he's working on finding out about off post housing and whether or not I can get on a space available flight instead of a commercial booking. That could save us about $1200.

It's a huge step. Huge. As much as I want to be with him again, I'm also scared about living in a foreign country. From what I have heard, though, South Korea is one of the easier countries to move to. There are a lot of people there who speak english. And also, it's supposed to be beautiful. I keep telling myself, when will I ever have an opportunity like this. So I am also excited.

By way of this community, I was approached by a lady whose husband is being sent to Korea also. It's a learning experience for me emailing with her. Which reminds me, I owe her some answers.

(no subject)

I haven't posted into this journal yet... for some reason or another, it hasn't been appearing on my friends list, odd really. I decided to look it up, to see what had been going on in it... I've missed several entries apparantly.

In the last post, my wife mentioned something about how all the little things remind her of me. The feeling is mutual.

She's very much into dragonflies (hence the name dv8dragonfly,) and really, I see many of them... everyday. That's just one of the many, many things that remind me that I'll have someone to come home to, someone that I love, and can hold after a long, lonely year.

I'm trying to fix that, it turns out that I can bring her up here, but it's proving rather difficult since my teamleader has no life, and thus, thinks I don't either. I'm hounded with work, and in his eyes, I just can't seem to get my priorities straight. I'm going to do what I can to get out from under his command... cause he's just a retarded dick head anyway.

To get over how pissed off at him I constantly am, I usually sit and blast my music... but it just reminds me of my beloved. How I long to call her when I do this, but for the most part, I respect that she needs sleep. We all do.

I'm hoping that it won't be all too difficult here shortly to get her here, cause everyday, there are more and more things that I miss about her. They all started small, but even the small things become big after a while.

It's wierd, I never missed anyone like this, signs that show me that I really do love her THAT much. Signs that say, "so what if things were rushed, this is the woman who you've dreamt about, the princess who is missing the glass slipper that you possess."

Above all things however, I miss her smile the most. It's a smile that, when I see it, brightens my day, no matter how bad it's been. I hear her voice almost every day, the voice that turns my inner Hulk into a silent infant.

She's also the only person, that I've ever had a reason to cry happy tears for. For so many years, they were something I never understood, until I met her. Yet, she's also the only one I've cried sad tears for, cause I simply do not want to be without her. Val Kilmer said it best "you are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky... without you, I dwell in darkness."

Mrs. dv8dragonfly, Korea has been a very dark place, but every so often, through conversations with you, I manage to catch little glimpses of light. Lights that tell me everything will be okay, and that I have nothing to fear or regret.

I love you darling, with all my heart and soul. Past forever.

Yours Forever

Day 41

I've had a busy weekend, which is probably a good thing. Keeping busy makes it a little easier to ignore how much I miss ryoske_kt. Saturday I went to an all day music show a couple towns over. It was organized by my friend rob, and his band, ilyAIMY was the last one to go on at the end of the night. I only got to stay for a little bit of their set, but I was glad I went. Even though they remind me of ryoske_kt, somehow it makes it easier, not harder for me. I guess because rob and now gate67 are good friends, and they surround themselves with so many cool people who I enjoy being around.

The harder thing this weekend was me having to go to a memorial service on Sunday for a good friend of mine. While it was a wonderful celebration of the life of an amazing man, it still was a sad occasion. There were one or two times I found myself overcome by tears... really, everyone was. And at those times, it seems everyone was being held by someone. Except for me. I know that ryoske_kt did not know David, but I know that he would have gone with me, for support. I really missed having him there. The upside to the service was running into an old ex of mine, one I haven't seen in about ten years. It was good to get some closure, and also to see how far I have come.

Last night I went back to the Open Mic night that we went to on our first date. I've been back since then, with ryoske_kt and since he left, but I haven't been around in a couple weeks. I went back since it was the last night a friend of mine would be out before he moves out of state. It was good to be with friends, and to hear good music. I even was introduced to a new band that I hadn't heard before - another thing that kind of makes me miss my husband all the more. I find these cool things, like bands, pictures, the way the sun hits the trees, and I wish I could call him, show him... but he's not here. And since I don't have a phone number that I can reach him at, it's even more frustrating.

And I'm not the only one feeling frustrated. I've still not been working, and money for me is pretty tight. ryoske_kt is feeling like he's not doing enough for me, that he's not supporting me. It's my fault that I am broke, but he's trying to take it upon himself and he's making himself feel bad. And when we don't have much time on the phone, I really don't have much of a chance to reassure him.

I wonder if couples that get time together, live together, find themselves reminded of one another by every little thing. ryoske_kt is a huge hockey fan, and one of his favorite movies is Miracle. It's a movie about the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team. The goalie, Jim Craig, was played by an actor named Eddie Cahill. I was watching Law and Order: SVU, and Eddie Cahill was in the episode, as a male escort. Something about it just gave me a giggle and I really wanted to share it with him. But I couldn't. And it's just one of a million little things every day that make me think of him.