Trouble with a capital "T" (dv8dragonfly) wrote in one_year,
Trouble with a capital "T"

Day 41

I've had a busy weekend, which is probably a good thing. Keeping busy makes it a little easier to ignore how much I miss ryoske_kt. Saturday I went to an all day music show a couple towns over. It was organized by my friend rob, and his band, ilyAIMY was the last one to go on at the end of the night. I only got to stay for a little bit of their set, but I was glad I went. Even though they remind me of ryoske_kt, somehow it makes it easier, not harder for me. I guess because rob and now gate67 are good friends, and they surround themselves with so many cool people who I enjoy being around.

The harder thing this weekend was me having to go to a memorial service on Sunday for a good friend of mine. While it was a wonderful celebration of the life of an amazing man, it still was a sad occasion. There were one or two times I found myself overcome by tears... really, everyone was. And at those times, it seems everyone was being held by someone. Except for me. I know that ryoske_kt did not know David, but I know that he would have gone with me, for support. I really missed having him there. The upside to the service was running into an old ex of mine, one I haven't seen in about ten years. It was good to get some closure, and also to see how far I have come.

Last night I went back to the Open Mic night that we went to on our first date. I've been back since then, with ryoske_kt and since he left, but I haven't been around in a couple weeks. I went back since it was the last night a friend of mine would be out before he moves out of state. It was good to be with friends, and to hear good music. I even was introduced to a new band that I hadn't heard before - another thing that kind of makes me miss my husband all the more. I find these cool things, like bands, pictures, the way the sun hits the trees, and I wish I could call him, show him... but he's not here. And since I don't have a phone number that I can reach him at, it's even more frustrating.

And I'm not the only one feeling frustrated. I've still not been working, and money for me is pretty tight. ryoske_kt is feeling like he's not doing enough for me, that he's not supporting me. It's my fault that I am broke, but he's trying to take it upon himself and he's making himself feel bad. And when we don't have much time on the phone, I really don't have much of a chance to reassure him.

I wonder if couples that get time together, live together, find themselves reminded of one another by every little thing. ryoske_kt is a huge hockey fan, and one of his favorite movies is Miracle. It's a movie about the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team. The goalie, Jim Craig, was played by an actor named Eddie Cahill. I was watching Law and Order: SVU, and Eddie Cahill was in the episode, as a male escort. Something about it just gave me a giggle and I really wanted to share it with him. But I couldn't. And it's just one of a million little things every day that make me think of him.
Tags: dv8dragonfly
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