Day 37

Last night was the last night of alchemy_dc at Nation, a club night here in DC. Nation is closing to make way for a baseball stadium, and alchemy_dc. I was out until really really late, since the club generally closes at 3am, and then we were there a little later, plus the ride home... so I didn't get home til about 4am. Once I got here, I was still wired from the energy, from the dancing, so I hoped online. I'm really clad that I did, because it meant that when he signed on a little after five this morning I was there to talk to him. I haven't spoken to him since Monday morning, so it was really nice.

I slept til pretty late as a result of that, and then was back online this evening... and caught him again. It was pretty cool. Now I should just go to sleep. It's late.

Day 35

I've been pretty horrible about keeping this up. Part of it's been that I have been pretty busy around here. Part of it's that this is almost more of a reminder of my situation.

I've been moving a lot of things around at home. I donated a lot of clothes that I was no longer wearing, some of which have been in storage forever. I needed to make some room in my closet for things of ryoske_kt's that have been left here and I just don't have the heart to box up for the time being. Partly because I am wearing them. It makes me feel better to have things of his close to me. I think I finally stopped sleeping with one of his sweatshirts that he left here, since it no longer smells like him. I'm still sleeping with his bear, though.

I moved into a bigger bedroom, and that means I got a bigger bed. I was a little hesitant, to tell the truth. I haven't slept at home in another bed since he left and I was afraid it would be too big. It is, even though it's only a double. Because he's not there. I mean, I got used to sharing a twin bed with him while he was here and this is just odd. The first night I woke up just about every hour. It's been getting better since then.

Friends are trying to cheer me up by getting me out and doing things. It's good for me. Except last Thursday night. I went over to anfadh's place and got drunk. Very, very drunk. I was regretting it even before the hangover, since there was puking involved. Yay. I have to admit it was kind of funny to answer ryoske_kt's call the next morning with "I'm hungover." Turn about being fair play and all. I can laugh at myself.

tempest_007's been dragging me out, too. She was part of the drinking night, as well as taking me out to a movie and party on Saturday. The movie part was amusing, too, since I ran into an ex. We haven't seen each other since before I got married, and things were awkward for a little while with us, but it was SO good to see him. He was gracious and wonderful, two things I should have thought of when I was agonizing over telling him about my engagement. He's just good people.

The party was interesting since it was the first one I'd been to without ryoske_kt since we got married. It was odd being on my own, but taken. I was hit on by a pretty good looking guy, and ended up in conversation with him for a lot of the night. I made clear pretty early on that I was married, but he still stuck around. That was kind of cool. Kind of nice to know I've "still got it", even as an old married lady.

I haven't heard from ryoske_kt since Monday morning, and I'm trying not to worry. I mean, there's a thousand logical explainations for why he might not call, but I'm still scared for him. I have a very morbid imagination, and since I watched Starship Troopers today I am having all sorts of freakish accident thoughts going through my brain. I should just go upstairs and cuddle up with Jack, and I'll probably hear from him in the morning.

Day 10

I started the paper crane project today.

A while back, I bought a pre-packed origami set from a book store. It has a book of projects and a whole mess of paper, something over 200 sheets. The book is kind of crap, frankly. It's painfully simple folds, but it reminded me how to make the cranes, and that really all I needed. I'll be making at least one for every day that he is gone. One little crane to pass by each day. I plan to put them on thread, hang them somewhere. I don't know just where or how yet, but it's the plan.

I just want something to save, something tangible. My little way of counting. Each crane brings me one day closer to having him home.

Day 8

Damnit, why can't I just level off? For the last several days I have been depressed. Hell, I even had the balls to finally tell ryoske_kt, after I felt like I had a handle on it.

I know I was being depressed. I've hardly been eating. I've been avoiding social things (I didn't make it to the weekly open mic I usually attend). Shoot, I didn't even put in my contacts for three straight days, and I HATE wearing my glasses.

So I decided I was going to do something about it. I've been making a point of setting myself social obligations. I hung out last night with a friend that I couldn't really change plans with, based on his schedule. I have made plans with a friend who will be in from out of town. I have a wedding on Sunday that many of my friends will be at. I even have volunteered to sell merchandise for my friends' band, ilyAIMY at two upcoming events, to make SURE that I will go out and be social.

Not that I don't want to do these things. And not that I am not having a blast when I do them. It's just that it's too easy to make excuses, stay home and mope if I don't feel like I must be there. And I am hoping that it will snowball. That each time it will be easier and that by spending time with my friends I will be lifted out of this funk I am in.

My only worry is it backfiring - that I will go manic. I did this morning, a little. I dragged myself out of the house in the morning to take myself out to breakfast. Luckily I was able to curb it a little - it was only IHOP, so my total with tip was something like $12.

You do what it takes to get by. I'm doing it a day at a time.

Day 6

The weather has been absolutely beautiful here. ryoske_kt and I had planned on doing a day in DC before he left and never did. This would have been the perfect weather for it. Or for a trip to Six Flags. Shoot, for just about anything.

It's been sunny, and it's currently 80 degrees. 80, for godsake! It's beautiful! I haven't shut my window or put the air conditioning on in over a week. It's glorious. You don't get this kind of weather in DC in June.

So it makes me miss him because we could be out doing all kinds of fun things, but we aren't. Because I'm home here, far far away, and constantly looking east, as if over all those many many miles, I could see him if I just looked hard enough.

I want to go to the Open Mic at our coffeehouse tonight, but I am a little wary. It's a place we'd often go together, and I am not sure if it will be better or worse on me to go tonight. It's a place to feel close to him, but will it make me miss him that much more? I just don't know.

ryoske_kt's going to be joining us here. I added him as a member. He says he'd like to add his thoughts here from time to time. I am almost thinking about not reading this community on a daily basis. Posting, but not reading. Leave each entry to stand on it's own, and then at the end of the year, go back and read it then. Let him have the space to post into time and honestly, and not feel he has to censor himself. It could be very interesting that way... deserves some thought.

Day two

I slept very late today. I don't know how much is depression and how much is that I stayed up very late last night waiting for ryoske_kt to call. Once I finally got up I went on a massive cleaning jag, sorting out a bunch of old clothes and donating things. I'd been meaning to do it for a while anyway, but with all his things all over the place, I needed to get some of them out of the way. I live in a pretty small room, still at my parents' place, so I don't have a lot of room to spread out. A lot of things are going to go into storage soon, because I just can't live like this. I am also planning to rearrange the room, too, to give myself a little more floor space.
I finally got a chance to talk to ryoske_kt late tonight. Well, online, anyway. I think it might actually be a little easier to talk to him online, since I can't hear his voice. And he can't hear me crying from missing him so much.
I'm off to bed now, so I can wake up in the morning. I have a date with my husband.

(no subject)

Day One (later):
Mom and Dad sat with me for a minute in the airport while I got myself together and watched ryoske_kt going through the checkpoint. We waved one last time and then he was gone.

I left the airport ravenous, but by the time I got home, I was just exhausted. Part of it was being just dead tired from only two hours of sleep, but part of it is being depressed. I knew it, but I slept anyway. What I didn't do to feed the depression was, well, FEED the depression. I tend to eat when I am depressed and today I have been really careful not to. One of my goals for this year is to finally lose the weight I have been bitching about. I want to be a different woman by the time he sees me again.

When I went to my room, when I saw the things of his that are still in my room, I started crying. And then my sister's cat came into the room and curled up with me. It didn't make things all better, but with Milo and Jack (the teddy bear I bought Ken a while back) I was finally able to sleep.

Mom woke me later in the day, and took me out to be girly for a little while. She took me out to get our nails done and I think that it was good for me to get out of the house. I wasn't sitting around the house moping, I wasn't noticing the space that he wasn't occupying.

I didn't hear from ryoske_kt when he hit Atlanta, and I was just a little bit worried he might have fallen asleep in the terminal and missed his connection. I did finally hear from him when he hit Chicago. He hadn't been able to get anything to eat at National, and he didn't really have a lot of time between flights at Atlanta. He chose to get food, and let me sleep. He figured I'd do just what I did when I got home. We talked for just a little while, and then he had to go. I was bright and cheerful, as best I could be, but when he started crying at the end of the call, I admit I couldn't help but cry as well.

I spent the rest of the day finally catching up on some things I had been meaning to do. And now just puttering around online. It might not be the best thing in the world to do, wasting time staying awake, but I kind of would like to still be up when ryoske_kt gets to Korea, just to know he got there okay. And the hear my baby's voice before I sleep.

(no subject)

Day One:
After about two hours of sleep, ryoske_kt and I were awake at 3am. We wanted to make sure that the last minute packing of his carryon was taken care of. Bettie (my much the worse for wear hand-me-down laptop) was packed into the case and loaded up with books and notes and clothes. A final check was made of things he might need, and we loaded into the car and out the door.

The first leg of the trip started from National Airport. We arrived just as things were opening and it was pretty empty. His flight was at 7 am, so we were there at 5. Really didn't need to be, I guess, as baggage check in was really quick and the security line was moving pretty fast.

We could only go with him as far as the security check point - everything after that he was on his own. That fast. That fast and I was having to say good bye to my husband for at least the next six months.